Stages in Relationships

Roberta and Mack Smith (not real names) have a long-term relationship that underscores two concepts highlighted by Knapp and Vangelisti: 1) expectations for relationship are altered by the way people communicate, and the way person communicate shapes expectations for the relationship; 2) relationships have fluctuations in intimacy.

Initiating

Roberta and Mack first met 26 years ago while attending college. Roberta, about 6 months older than Mack, was a sophomore engaged to “the boy back home” when she first encountered Mack (a freshman) in a study group that formed in the early weeks of the fall semester. Her relationship with her fiancé had been troubled with disagreements, and complicated by the distance.

The study group in which they both met was rather large, and the first time the two of them were at the group meeting at the same time they did not even speak to each other. Mack jokingly claims that he was too busy studying to have noticed Roberta, but Roberta admits that she noticed Mack immediately.

The second time they were both in the group, a mutual friend made introductions, and each of them became aware of the other’s presence: each reports that they were assessing each other and were concerned about the impressions they each were making on the other. (Knapp and Vangelisti, 1996)

Experimenting

Over the next several months, they saw each other only in the context of the study group. Conversations were primarily an exchange of demographic information, task-related information, and other kinds of background information. Mack was aware of Roberta’s engagement (the ring was noticeable). In the next semester however, they had a common class in which they often made an effort to sit by each other. This phase of the relationship continued through the winter months.

In the early spring, Roberta started discussing (with Mack and their mutual friend) her dissolving engagement. This self-disclosure (and probably the opportunity that it signaled) propelled their relationship into an intensifying stage. During spring break, Roberta and her fiancé ended their marriage commitment.

Intensifying

Roberta and Mack continued to develop their friendship. More of their time was spent together with their friend. The three of them often ate together in the dining hall. They had special nicknames that they began to call each other, and they and others often referred to the three of them as the “Three Stooges” because of their antics. The three of them had gained an identity.

Roberta and Mack corresponded throughout the summer (Roberta wrote every day, Mack wrote every other day). Through those letters, they shared an intense amount of self-disclosure. In the fall, they began dating, and were soon recognized as a bona fide couple on the small campus.

Integration

For the next 3 years they dated steadily, and, in Mack’s senior year, he formally proposed marriage. Roberta, in a teacher education program, was attending an additional half year at the school. Roberta’s father asked them to wait one more year, which they did. Roberta believes that her father asked for another year for several reasons, including the fact that she had been engaged once before.

During the dating period, Mack bought Roberta what she calls “a wonderfully cute, cheap ring” which she says wore out before they got married. He dutifully replaced it with another ring, which is still on her finger today. During their engagement, they bought a car together, since Roberta’s car was failing and Mack had only his bicycle for transportation.

Bonding

In 1978, they married, and formally bonded the relationship. However, in many aspects, they were continuing integration and bonding simultaneously.

The cycle of differentiation, circumscribing and integration

Throughout their 25 years of marriage, Roberta and Mack have had ongoing conflicts that were hinted at in their early encounters. Although they have learned to “interweave their strengths and weaknesses” says Mack, they are still in the process of continually adjusting to one another’s uniqueness.

For example, Roberta is a highly organized, particularly neat individual who plans everything. Mack, on the other hand, enjoys an orderly environment, but does little to create one. This area of difference has been a source of conflict throughout their marriage. There have also been several points over the past 25 years in which their relationship has moved into Knapp’s Circumscribing stage. In this stage, they began to act independently and parallel, rather than working interdependently. (Knapp and Vangelisti, 1996)

Both Mack and Roberta attribute their ability to re-integrate to mentoring they received from another, older couple. Their mentors helped them learn active listening skills, conflict resolution, and helped them understand and appreciate each other’s uniqueness. Roberta and Mack now participate in mentoring other younger couples.

Authority distribution in the relationship is mixed. Overall, Roberta looks to Mack for visionary leadership in the family, but Mack obviously defers operational leadership to Roberta. He values her organizational and time management skills. Roberta sets the pace for what gets done when around their house and manages the social calendar. Mack, however, leads in their socialization, and is influential in shaping their beliefs and political affiliations.

Interestingly, Roberta and Mack each have a slightly different story they would like told about their relationship. Roberta sees their relational story as one with a fairly turbulent plot line: a story of triumph through struggles, and of endurance through hardship. Mack has a more idealized version of the story: His is a story of naïve first love growing into a deep commitment, and celebrated by multiple victories over obstacles.

Perhaps the best way to tell their story is to do what they have done in their relationship – blend the two versions into one.

Knapp, M. L., & Daly, J. A., (Eds.). (2002). Handbook of interpersonal communication (3rd ed.). Thousand Oaks: Sage Publications, Inc.

Knapp, M. L., & Vangelisti, A. L. (1996). Stages of coming together and coming apart. In Interpersonal communication and human relationships (pp. 30-63). Boston: Allyn & Bacon.